Dear Moms,

Please allow me to step onto my soap box and get something off of my chest.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER MOMS, RIGHT NOW, JUST STOP!!

and

STOP PUTTING OTHER MOM'S DOWN BECAUSE THEY DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DO!!

There is an article from last year that is once again making the rounds on Facebook about how Moms need to take holidays down a notch because it is making everyone have to go all out like they are so they don't look bad.

And my question is who is making you? Who says you have to be as "over the top" as Suzy Homemaker down the road? Who is this person making you do this? Because you need to tell them to shut up and go away!!

If your answer is your kids maybe don't say exactly that, but instead use one of my favorite phases, something my kids hear All. The. Time.

"That is great that [insert friends name]'s family does that. But, in our family we do/don't [insert whatever child is whining about/or alternative]"

A couple years ago my kids were really excited about making a leprechaun trap and their Dad thought it sounded like fun so he helped them make it. Thinking they would enjoy it I ran to the bank to get a few gold dollars to leave with our traditional Lucky charms and green shirts.

The morning came and our kids ran to the leprechaun trap to see if they had caught one only to throw the biggest fit because the leprechaun was supposed to leave them more gold. Apparently they were convinced they were going to be rich.

I broke the news to my kids that Leprechauns were not real and we would never be making Leprechaun traps again, if they wanted to do it in their classes that was their teachers choice, but in our house it would not be happening.

I sent them to their rooms, pocketed their gold dollars, and then went to McDonald's to get me some breakfast and a Diet Coke.

True Story.

It was right then and there I swore we would only do the holiday traditions that worked for our family and not try to do something because teachers or friends told them that is what they were supposed to do. I would only do something if I enjoyed it, I was not going to add extra stress or make myself miserable just so I could "keep up" with the other Moms.

Which is where that sweet little phrase I mentioned earlier comes in very handy. It doesn't always stop them from throwing tantrums, they are kids after all, but that is why they have rooms where they can throw their tantrum and I don't have to listen.

So Moms, stop thinking you are any less then another Mom because you didn't go all out for a minor holiday. Because honestly, that Mom who did go all out doesn't think any less of you because you didn't. Just like you shouldn't think any less of her because she did.

So let's support one another and cheer one another on, because we all know this Motherhood gig is hard and we can all use as much support as we can get.

And so I say:

To the Mom who forgot it was St. Patrick's day and didn't dress you kids in green, you my friend are an amazing Mom, your kids are lucky to have you!!

To the Mom who only dressed your kids in green and didn't do anything else, you my friend are an amazing Mom, your kids are lucky to have you!!

To the Mom who dressed your kids in green and made some fun green food, you my friend are an amazing Mom, your kids are lucky to have you!!

And to the Mom who went all out over the top for St. Patrick's Day, you my friend are an amazing Mom, your kids are lucky to have you!!

You all love your kids, you do your best, and you are exactly the Mom your kids need. So hold your head high because you, that's right I'm looking at you, are the best Mom in the world for your kids and don't let anyone tell you any different!!

Love,
Your Fellow Mom

Love More

Yesterday I grounded my kids from all electronics: no TV, no iPods, no Xbox. And then the most amazing thing happened, no one died. In fact it was just the opposite, my kids played legos and used their imaginations.

I almost boxed everything up and threw it out right then and there. I am sure I would have a major riot on my hands, but it made me realize we need to cut back a little bit and focus more on each other.

Hunter is having a rough time in school, mean kids suck, and his poor little heart is hurting. I remind him multiple times a day how much we all love him, and I will keep reminding him until he never doubts. But we also have our challenges at home because he is the only boy, and sometimes the girls want to do girl stuff and he feels left out.

Samantha and I talked about it and she promised to include him more, because as much as he drives her crazy, in the end she wants a relationship like her Dad has with his Sister, and that requires work now.

And can I just say, thank goodness for Rob, he is always taking Hunter with him wherever he goes. Today he sent me a text letting me know he had picked up some last minute ski passes for Friday and was going to take Hunter because he needed some "Man Time". Dads are so important and I am grateful my kids have such an amazing one.

Rob has also been talking to him about how to stand up for himself, something that is so important to learn, I just wish it involved more "kill them with kindness" and less suggestions to punch them in the nose.

Although, some days it sure sounds like a good idea.

Have I mentioned mean kids suck?!?!

There are days when I feel so helpless, when I worry sick about how I can help him, and the girls, face the challenges in their lives, thank goodness I am not alone in all of this.

On one particular tough morning I was reminded that the answer is love. Love is one of the greatest powers on the earth, next to the Priesthood, and people can do extraordinary things when they know they are loved and when they love themselves.

So I have been looking for little ways to show more love to all my kids. I am working on sending them little love notes (hand written and in text form), giving them lots of hugs and kisses, spending time with them, and just setting everything aside and looking them in the eyes and listening.

I am hoping that all the small things will lead to big changes, because that boy of mine, and my girls, are amazing kids and I want them to be able to see that in themselves and never doubt how much they are loved.

January 2nd

At the top of my resolution chart I am going to write in big bold letters "Go Easy On Yourself, Life Happens", because who knew that two days into the New Year and I would have already failed miserably.

Last night I decided that I was very happy with my workout schedule, I try to go on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. On Wednesday I give myself a break because I am usually exhausted from cleaning the house on Monday and all the running I do on Tuesday. But if I didn't go work out this morning then I wouldn't get my three times in this week, and I would be breaking my resolutions already.

But one major lesson I learned from The Happiness Project was to "Be Jamie" and I need my Wednesday to stay just the way they are.

Which turned out to be a good thing because I didn't sleep for nothing last night. For some reason I had major anxiety about returning to our normal schedule today. The break has been so peaceful, relaxing, and stress free.

My alarm went off at seven, which should have given me enough time to wake myself and Rob up, wake the kids up, and then make our way down to read scriptures. Except I turned the alarm off and rolled over and went back to sleep until almost eight when I hurried to wake up my still sleeping kids to get ready for school so we didn't miss the bus at 8:30.

Resolution Broken: Reading Scriptures together at least 5 times a week.

I also discovered there was not enough milk for cereal and not enough eggs either. So I quickly  took orders and ran through the McDonald's drive through while everyone was getting dressed.

Resolution Broken: Not eating out unless planned.

But as I stood in the driveway watching my kids get on the bus I realized something, our morning was a success. There was no one screaming to hurry and get ready we were late and going to miss the bus. When my kids left for school they were happy, they were not upset and did not feel rushed.

While I broke two (maybe three) resolutions I realized I had kept the most important one to Be The Good.

I was calm, I did what needed to be done, and I knew my kids felt loved as they left for school.

Too often I focus on the negative, the areas where I fell short, but cutting myself some slack and focusing on the positive is good. After all lesson number two I need to learn is "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good".

I Am Woman

I have been thinking a lot about my role as a woman, my value, and my worth. See this Mom thing, it isn't easy, but I feel deep down in my soul it is what I am supposed to be doing right now, and I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be.

It is a divine role I play and one I am so grateful for.

Our Bishop gave a beautiful talk in church today about the importance of Women and it really made me sit and think about everything going on in the world around us and I came to a conclusion.

The advisary's voice is loud. He is constantly shouting at us that women are not as good as men. We are worthless if we choose to stay home and raise our children, and we are horrible mothers if we choose to work outside the home. He tells us that we are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough, and we are not respected because we don't deserve respect.

These messages come at us in so many different forms, some intentional and some unintentional  and it can be hard not to believe them.

God's voice, on the other hand, is small and quite. If we take the time to listen we can hear him whisper to us that we are amazing. We are his daughters, he loves us, and we can do great things if we embrace the gifts and talents he has given us that make us unique. If we will just follow the example of his son Jesus Christ and love those around us, including ourselves, the outside shouting will have no effect on us. We will be able to see ourselves the way he sees us, as his beloved daughters with great worth.

I want my daughters to grow up and have confidence in who they are, to know they can do anything they put their mind to, and to never let anyone make them feel less then they are because they are women.

I know this starts with my example, and I hope I can be a good example for them. That I can love myself, and show the pride I have in my role as a woman, in life, and in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Today

Today I decided I needed to clear my schedule and focus on my family. For some reason life has been busy, I felt like my kids needs were not being met, and I decided today that would change. So I emailed the teacher I was scheduled to help and sent a text to the group of ladies I was supposed to go to dinner with and let them know something had come up and I wouldn't be able to make it.

Instead of feeling guilty like I thought I would, I felt like I had done the right thing.

I spent the morning finishing the last few projects others were needing from me so when Hannah got home we could spend the afternoon together, and then when Samantha and Hunter came home they would have my full attention.

When Hannah came home we ate lunch and then put on our pajamas. I promised her that morning if she would get dressed and go to school, when she got home she could change back into her pajamas.

That girl would live in her pajamas if I let her.

We pulled out the pearler beads and spent the afternoon sorting our new beads and creating unicorns and cupcakes. When Hunter and Samantha came home they immediately joined in.

The best part is when my kids are all gathered around doing projects they start talking and I hear all about their day instead of the "good" answer I normally get.

And then to top the night off, we all sat down at the table to eat dinner together. I was thinking how sad it is I can't remember the last time that happened.

The kids, for the most part, were happy and got along with each other. I also noticed a lack of fights at bedtime, instead Samantha actually told me she was tired and ready for bed. It was lovely.

Thankfully it is the weekend and ours is commitment free, something I am looking forward to.

Picture Day

Today was my least favorite day of school...Picture Day.

I could (and often do) complain about the outrageous prices and the killing these people are making for pictures that often look like everyone was bused through the DMV picture line.

Or all the work that goes into making sure their clothes match, their faces are clean, and their hair is properly groomed when they are dropped off at school. Then when the pictures come back, I see a child with dirt on their face and hair that looks like it has never been combed a day in their life.

But that is all part of the school picture experience.

So why do I hate this day so much? Because the Lord blessed me with two drama queens daughters.

When Samantha was in the first grade she climbed on the bus in hysterics on picture day because she hated how I had done her hair, it was ugly, and everyone was going to make fun of her.

No lie.

I later found out when she got to school her teacher commented on how cute her hair looked. She flashed her a huge smile and said "Thanks, my Mom did it for me".

I could give you a different version of this story for every year she has been in school, but you get the picture. (see what I did there)

Last night she went to bed in hysterics again because she wanted her hair "super curly" and we didn't have time for sponge curlers. In her opinion she had showered for no reason. I tried my best to not scream explain that I would help her curl it in the morning and since she took a shower the night before it would save us a bunch of time in the morning.

I braced myself for the fight that was coming this morning, but by some miracle she was thrilled with the curls in her hair and for the first time in 5 years, smiled as she walked into school for picture day.

Hannah must have figured since Samantha was not throwing a fit it was her job to provide the tears. She cried and made dramatic choking sounds the entire time I was braiding her hair for her favorite hair do.

And if that wasn't enough she threw a fit as we were walking into school because her toy had to stay home with Mom.

As for Bubba, his only request was to ride the bus to school instead of having to wait and drive with his sisters. I gave him a big hug, sent him on his way, and thanked my lucky stars I didn't have three girls.

1st Day of School

The 1st Day of School plan:
- skip my morning workout so I could be ready early
- get the kids up and ready for school
- read scriptures
-pack lunches
- traditional 1st day of school breakfast at McDonalds
- take adorable first day of school pictures
- drop the kids off for their first day and Rob at work

What actually happened:
- skipped my morning workout and got ready instead
- made the mistake of climbing on the scale and saw I had gained weight this summer instead of loosing it like I had planned.
- got the kids up and ready for school
- read scriptures
- Rob asked about the plan for the morning and told me he had too much to do at work and couldn't come with me to drop kids off at school, but we could still go through the McDonald's drive-thru before we dropped him off
- Samantha informed us McDonald's breakfast was gross
- I gave up and got the kids cereal
- Rob left for work
- made sure the kids finished their chores
- took a few pictures before Samantha and Hunter climbed on the bus and headed off for their first day of school.

(Hannah starts kindergarten in a week and it was either do her hair or try and get pictures of the kids before the bus came. Hello real life!!)

I may have cried a little bit, the morning just didn't go as I had planned or hoped.

But, the kids were so excited for their first day, Hunter tried to head to the bus stop 1/2 hour early, and I don't think they cared about the change in the plan.

And when all is said and done, what I am really looking forward to is hearing all about their first day!!

Trafalga

I needed a break today and I desperately needed to get out of the house. I love my babies but the fighting, oh the constant fighting, it was starting to drive me batty. Maybe we have just all spent too much time together, I love how much fun we have had, but sometimes they just need a break from each other.

Since that break was no where in sight I decided taking them on a little adventure to Trafalga, only they still found ways to fight. Like who got to sit where, what we were going to do next, and also who got to go first on every hole of mini golf. And then there was the time Samantha thought it would be funny to take off Hannah's shoes on one of the rides and Hannah couldn't get them back on in time to go again, cue the major meltdown.

But despite the fighting and the few tears it was nice to get out of the house, they told me thanks for taking them, and they did have fun.

We stopped at Artic Circle to grab a Sundae, our favorite, before calling it a day.

I also thought, since we were right there, it would be a great idea to drag three kids into a store to buy myself a new pair of pants, never again I tell ya, never again.

Two weeks until school starts, but who is counting?

The Diving Board

Thursday was our last day of swim lessons for the year, hollah!! On the last day of swim lessons the kids are able to jump off the diving board, something Hunter and Samantha look forward to.

My little Hannah climbed up on the diving board, it was her first time, so I headed over to give her some encouragement. She was scared and didn't want to do it, I tried to cheer her on from the edge, but she was not going off that diving board.

When Hannah doesn't want to do something there is no forcing her, girlfriend can hold a grudge if you try to force her into something and then she won't speak to you for a long time. We have learned there are somethings we don't fight and just know when she decides to do it there is no stopping her either.

She started to sit down on the board gripping the sides for dear life, I was going to have her climb back down the stairs. But before I could even try another instructor came up behind her, pulled her hands off the board, and then shoved her in.

I was horrified, her instructor helped her to the side and she was screaming the entire time, she climbed out of the water and told me she never wanted to go back.

I am trying not to blame the instructor, I am sure he thought he was helping, but I am worried every step we have made to her actually swimming under water have been lost.

I am giving her a week to calm down and then we will head to the pool again.
Cross your fingers for us, we are going to need it.

Passions

We have been spending a lot of time at the ball fields this summer between T-ball, Rob's Softball, and Samantha's softball games. This is the first year Samantha is playing normal softball and she has struggled with hitting, something she has always been good at in the past.

She is intimidated with the girls pitching to her this year instead of coaches in years past. We have gone to the batting clinics on Saturdays and she does great, we have also visited the batting cages and she hits just fine, but when she gets up to bat in a game she freezes up.

Tuesday night after the game I was talking to her and telling her she just needed to swing, it would be so much better to strike out swinging than just standing there and letting them go by. I was trying to motivate her and encourage her to try when she informed me:

"Mom it is just softball, it doesn't matter."

I was floored, and told her if it didn't matter than I wouldn't be paying for it next year, which made her very upset. She loves the game and I know she doesn't like that she isn't hitting, but it is frustrating that she won't push herself over her fears.

I asked Rob this morning on our usual drive to work how I could spark a passion in her, how could I teach her that working hard for something is a good thing, and how we could get her over this fear.

There was something about it that was bugging me and the more I thought about it I realized I was the exact same way.

In school things generally came easy for me, I could catch on pretty quickly and if I didn't then no big deal. I always got good grades but I know if I would have pushed myself I could have had straight A's.

I worked hard when it came to drill team, but even that I found came pretty easy, again if I would have pushed myself a little bit more I might have even danced in college.

The more I thought the more I realized I needed to be the example, I needed to push myself more, practice so I would improve, and continue to learn so she will have the example to follow.

I thought about the areas I wanted to improve in, my passions I wanted to develop.

1. Photography - I have gone back and forth on this thinking I would become a professional and then deciding against it. I don't want to be a professional now because I want to focus my energy on my family, but I want to develop this passion of mine into something great for me. I want to capture the wonderful memories of my children and all the fun we had. I have a few favorite Mommy Photographers who do just that and I want to be just like them.

2. Blogging - I have had a few different blogs and I get frustrated that it isn't perfect and I give it up, but then something draws me back in and I start a new one. I just need to do it, keep practicing and writing, and let it develop into something great. Just like me it is a work in progress.

3. Food - I love to cook, I have a small obsession with food, and I can cook almost anything. I struggle a bit with menu planning so we eat a lot of the same things, ane choosing sides to go with our meals is a challenge. I am determined to change this Also I love making sugar cookies but I am not so great at frosting them, I bet with a little practice I could get better.

4. Mom - Last but certainly not least I am a Mom and I want to be a great Mom. While I don't think I will be the crafty over the top Mom I do want to be the very best Mom I can be. My goal is to make sure my kids know I love them, they were important to me, I loved spending time with them, and I wouldn't give up being a stay at home Mom for anything.

I hope if I can be a positive example for my kids they will then push themselves to be the best they can be in their passions. And most of all to teach them that we can do hard things, and not to let the fear of failing motivate them more than their desire to succeed!!

Valuable

I spent a lot of the week in Heber at Girl's Camp, it was so much fun and the spirit was so strong. I love my calling, it is my dream calling, and I was so excited to go to camp. But at the same time it was exhausting and I was so glad to come home today.

My kids were happy to see me but I think Rob was the happiest. He was so great to step up and be both parents, he was running kids to family while he was at work, making them meals, and running between ball games.

He is exhausted.

He made a point to let me know how valuable I am to him, how no amount of money I could make would ever make it worth it for me to be a working Mom. He told me how grateful he is I would make the decision to be a stay at home Mom.

Which for some reason I really needed to hear today, I really struggle feeling valuable just staying home, I know it is important and that is why I do it, but it was great hearing how much my husband values what I do every day.

I am looking forward to a new week on Monday, our week is full of normal routine days, I can't wait!!

PS. This made me giggle

and this one

The Accident

I didn't know if I could write about this, but I am hoping if I write it all down I can stop thinking about it.

Blogging is cheaper than therapy.

We decided to take the kids out on Memorial Day to go riding on a trail we had found earlier this month. We loaded up and headed out, made it to the top of the mountain, and stopped to enjoy the view. We talked about how great it was to be out riding, one of my favorite activities. We then decided to keep going on the trail down the other side of the mountain. Hannah decided to hop on with Rob, Hunter tried to come with me and Samantha on the 4 wheeler but it wasn't working so Rob took both him and Hannah on the motorcycle.

We headed down the trail and it become increasingly rough, we stopped at one point and I told Rob I wasn't loving this trail, he asked if I wanted to keep going and I said we should. When he asked if I wanted to take Hannah back on the 4wheeler I told him it was tough enough with just Samantha, and Hannah wanted to stay with him anyway.

A little further down the trail was pretty washed out, we hit a rock and the 4wheeler flipped. I stuck my foot out trying to hold it up so Samantha could jump off before it rolled over on top of me pinning me to the ground.

Rob thankfully was right there and quickly unloaded the other two and rushed over to pull the 4wheeler off of me.

I was panicking because I didn't know if Samantha had made it off and so I didn't know if she was ok. When Rob got it off I saw her sitting on the other side of the road with only a broken visor on her helmet.

I am pretty bashed up, my shoulder is bruised and sore, my back is very stiff today, and my legs are very bruised. But through it all I can't help but be thankful because it could have been much worse.

I am grateful that I am the only one hurt and I would take all of this a million times over to keep my girls safe.

It all keeps running through my head and there are many what ifs. My biggest is "what if Hannah had been on the 4wheeler with me". I hope I would have found a way to protect her like I did for Samantha (all though I am sure there were angels watching over my Samantha who helped her off, just like I am sure there were angels watching over Hannah and keeping her in a safe place with her Dad), but I can't help but think of the 4wheeler rolling over on top of Hannah if she had been with us.

I couldn't sleep last night, I laid there letting the entire day run through my head, feeling very grateful everyone was safe at home, but also consumed with the fear of "what if".

I went into Hannah's room and scooped her up, took her down to Samantha's room where I could snuggle them both in my arms.

I will forever be thankful we are safe, thankful we were protected, and very thankful I get to be Mom to these three amazing kids!!

Motherhood Right Now

Today in church my three kids walked to the front of the chapel to join the other primary children who were singing to their Mother's. The song was short, very sweet, and I found myself crying. I hoped no one would notice my tears, but my heart was so full of love for those three babies of mine and it had nowhere to escape but through my eyes.

I feel so blessed to be their Mom, to have the privilege and responsibility to teach them and guide them in their lives. I only hope I can be enough for them and that they will know how much I love them.

I wanted to give them a picture of what Motherhood is like for me right now, and I thought Mother's day was a great day to do it.

Dear Children,

Long gone are the days of staying home all day, there is usually something that needs to be done or somewhere one of you needs to be. I am working on being organized and on top of things so we can fit our meals at home, it is a little to easy to grab something on the run, but not so healthy.

The school year is almost over and this was the first year all three of you are in school, Samantha and Hunter five days a week, and Hannah on Tuesday's and Thursday's. On Thursday's I volunteer in your classes which leaves Tuesday's to myself, although they were usually jam packed with errands to get done.

I do sneak in some Mommy time early in the mornings, I love waking up at 5:30 and heading to my exercise classes. They give me so much energy for the day, they help me to feel great, and I find it easier to stay motivated to accomplish my huge "to do" list.

You have to be to school by 9 so we try and read scriptures together, get all the morning chores done, and make it out of the door on time. We usually do pretty well but I am looking forward to the more laid back mornings during summer break.

The girls just finished dance class, Samantha has started playing softball, and Hunter will soon start T-Ball. Our evenings for the next little while will be spent at the ball fields, which I love!!

I am also serving in the Young Women's at church, a calling I have always wanted and love so much. The youth in our congregation are amazing and they make me want to be a better Mom hoping you will turn out to be amazing teenagers just like them.

I know I have a long way to go and I need to work on consistency in saying our prayers, reading our scriptures, and having family home evening. I am trying but will continue to try a little bit harder.

I especially cherish the moments when we are all together hiking, camping, having picnics in the mountains, and the occasional movie. We are finally in a house with a back yard and I love sitting outside watching you play, if we are home you are usually in the back yard playing. Daisey loves having you back there too.

Our life is good, and I am very blessed to have you three in my life.

The Turtle

One of my least favorite jobs in parenting is giving out consequences. Sometimes the consequences come naturally from a poor choice and I have to stand by and watch it happen, wanting desperately to take away the pain or hardship, but refraining because I know without these they will not grow. Or worst of all, I have to assign the consequence for a rule that has been broken.

Tonight was one of the night's when I was assigning the consequence. Recently we acquired a turtle that when placed in water grows 600% it's original size. The turtle was placed in a big bowl filled with water and took up residency as the center piece on our table. The only problem is it was very tempting for little hands to reach in and play with the turtle.

After many conversations about leaving the turtle alone, the owner of the turtle was caught playing in the water again this afternoon. They were told if they played in the water again the water would be dumped out and the turtle would not be allowed to grow any more.

When the water was again played with I had to follow through and dump the water out. It wasn't easy, and there were lots of pleading and tears, but I followed through and explained once again that our choices have consequences.

Later when I left for church responsibilities the owner decided to put the turtle back in water, their Dad did not know what had happened earlier and let them do it. When I got home I again had to hand out the consequences and this time it was not as pleasant.

The rule in our house is if one parent says no or gives you a consequence and you decide to go to the other parent to get a yes or get the consequence changed, their will be another consequence and it will be worse.

The turtle found its way to the garbage, and the owner was very upset and ended up sneaking out to the garbage to retrieve it.

I once again took it away and in a moment of not so great parenting thought about cutting the turtle to pieces or letting it become the dogs chew toy so it was permanently gone. Of course the voice of reason stopped me from traumatizing my child and I instead took it to my car so I could take it to a garbage somewhere else.

But that was the end of all reason for my child and the name calling started, I was a meanie and the worst Mom ever among other things. It is in these moments I have to find my greatest amount of strength, tell them I love them, and then send them to their room to throw whatever tantrum they choose.

I am then left to myself to feel horrible and wonder if I really am that mean Mom. But I know I am doing the right thing, no matter what I can't give in, no matter what I have to stay strong, because giving in is not an option.

My only consolation is to sit in my room and pass on the mother's curse, that one day they have a child just like them.

But what I really hope is that my children will learn to take responsibility for their actions, that they will know that what they do and the choices they make will determine their future and their happiness.

Good choices lead to good consequences that will make us happy, and poor choices lead to consequences that are hard and make can make us very sad.

And that one day they will look back and think: "My Mom, she may not have been perfect, but she loved us, and she tried her best everyday to teach us right from wrong, because she wanted us to be happy and have the best life possible."

Thirty

Today I found myself thinking back on the last 30 years but especially the last few years and all that we have over come. We were blessed to survive many rounds of layoffs, we were able to find a new job in Utah, sell our house in Kansas, and just recently move out of our tiny twin home into a home that fits us perfectly until we are ready to buy a house of our own.

To say things are great would be an understatement, every problem I have worried about in the last 4 years has been resolved and I thought about how blessed we are. On top of all that I have three beautiful children and the greatest husband a girl could ask for. "My thirty's are going to be my best years yet", I thought.

And just like that it hit me: here I am thinking life is so great and all of the problems I worried about have been resolved, but I know the minute I think things are getting better something will happen that will turn my world upside down so I should probably brace myself now. "Don't let your guard down", I told myself.

My breathing became shallow, it felt like something was squeezing my chest, I was having a panic attack.

I did the only thing I could and knelt down to pray for help.

The answer came: Everything will be OK, your challenge right now is to help your daughter, you need to strengthen your relationship, you need to be the best Mom you can to her right now, she needs you.

I immediately felt better, I knew what I was supposed to do.

So I am starting my 30's with a resolve to try my best every day, to stay close to the Lord and listen to the promptings of the spirit. Not only listen but act!! I need his guidance to be the Mom she needs me to be, the Mom they all need me to be to help them reach their potential.

Progress

I feel like I have been doing a lot of whining lately, along with trying to give myself pep talks, and also being really mad at myself for not being "OK" and "Happy" despite everything I feel is wrong right now.  It is easy to say I should choose to be "happy" despite our circumstance, it is another thing to actually be happy, and being happy takes some work.

I have good days and I have crummy days, and yesterday was a crummy day.  I did manage to pull myself out of it after I spent 2 1/2 hours folding shirts and helping to hand them out for the wrestling club Hunter is in.  Not the normal thing to cheer someone up, but I love being able to help, even if it means folding shirts.

I came home and told Rob how much I hate feeling this way and I want to be better.  He is amazing and didn't tell me I just need to decide to be happy, instead he pointed out how I have gotten better.  He reminded me when I used to feel this way I would be mad at everyone around me, be very short with them, and then I would end up in tears telling myself I was the most horrible person, wife, and mom around.

Now I am better to recognize when these feelings are starting, my patience has improved, and I do try really hard to change how I feel.  Part of helping to fight off these moods is sitting down and counting my blessings and being consistent with saying my prayers and asking for strength to battle the moods.

I sometimes expect myself to change over night, but I should know it takes time for weaknesses to become strengths.  Yes I can decide I want to be happy but it is only the first of many steps to actually getting there.

Tuesday

I should be in bed, I am exhausted and my body is going to shut down at any minute, but for the first time all day I am sitting down and don't have anything I need to do, other than go to bed.  Sure I could pack for mine and the sidekicks trip to visit my sister for fall break, or I could go to bed, but I am starting to get my second wind.

You see I have a love/hate relationship with Tuesday.

I hate how busy Tuesday's are, everything seems to be scheduled for Tuesday and I am running all day long.

But I also love my two hours in the morning when all three sidekicks are in school and I can get so many errands accomplished.  Today I sat in Einstein Bagels eating a cinnamon and sugar bagel with pumpkin cream cheese drinking a diet coke.  I had my calendar with me and I started to figure out the rest of our month.

I may add this to my schedule every Tuesday, it was relaxing and I was able to figure out my week.

I also did some shopping and I didn't have to ask anyone to stay with me or not touch anything, it was awesome!!

And I love spending Tuesday night with the Young Women, they make me laugh and are the most amazing girls.

 I love my calling.

Now that I am home, the kids are all in bed and everything is cleaned up I should also be in bed catching up on sleep.  Instead I am pinning away over on Pinterest, writing this blog post, and also thinking I should watch the Colbert Report since I haven't had time yet today.

Maybe I will be good and just go to bed, but I wouldn't count on it.

Finding ME

I learned something about myself last night; I was not meant to stage objects, I am also not a super crafter, or a DIY home gal.  These are just not my thing, I am finally OK with that, and thankful I don't have to try and keep up with something I am not.  I have been wondering for a while where I fit in the whole "creative" scheme of things, and I have been crossing a bunch off my list of things I am not and can stop trying to be. 

I decided this week I needed a break, no Facebook or Twitter, I even cut down on my reader time and cut out some of the blogs I was reading trying to be something I am just not.  I was surprised at how easy it was and how much I have been able to accomplish in my free time.

I wanted to figure out who I am, what I wanted to become, and find my voice.  I am a Mom and Wife first, I love my little family and I want to enjoy where I am now.  I want to wake up every morning and be truly thankful I get to be a Mom and stay at home doing all these wife/mom duties.

I also wanted to be happy being me, but I didn't know who "me" was supposed to be anymore.  Me kind of got lost when my big plan for life got put on hold for 20+ years while I traded my dream career for a career as a Mom, a career I didn't think I would have or even be cut out for.  Over the years I have tried stamping, scrapbooking, cardmaking, crafting, etc. thinking I would find me, but I never did and I eventually gave them up.  

As I have thought through everything this week I have found 3 things I have never stopped loving to do:

1) Taking pictures of my family, our adventures, and our beautiful surroundings.

2) Cooking and baking, the kitchen has always been one of my "happy" places.

3) Make holidays extra special and to have lots of fun traditions.

I think I have started to find Me, I am pretty sure I was there all along I just never fully embraced it.  But now my plan is starting to fall into place, I am starting to see what needs to be done, and I am ready to dig in and learn more about my interests and improve on them.

  I am starting to feel better about my place in life right now, and I am starting to breathe again.

And that is an amazing feeling!!

All Together Committed

The alarm sounded and I realized it wasn't my alarm but Rob's, in my overly tired delirous state last night I forget to set mine. I had lost an hour of precious time I needed for our morning to run smoothly and to stick with a goal I had made at Time Out for Women to bring more holiness into our morning routine.

Rewind to Saturday and me sitting in the Time Out for Women audience listening to Emily Freeman give a fantastic presentation on writing Christ's name on our hearts. She talked about being "Almost" versus "All Together Committed".  Instead of thinking I almost read my scriptures, said my prayers, etc. today, we need to be all together committed to doing these things each day.

When I thought about how to apply this concept to my goal of building a better relationship with my sidekicks I thought about being all together committed to making our mornings more Holy.  I figured to be all together committed I would have to be perfect about waking up on time, and accomplishing a long list of tasks I had for the morning.

I crawled out of bed knowing this morning was bound to go one of two ways: I could either completely stress out about everything needing to be done, most likely end up frustrated and yelling at my kids until most if not all of us were in tears, or I could say my prayers and ask for help to accomplish everything that needed to be done and also for some help to make it out the door on time.

I decided to go with plan B, I said my prayers and then climbed in the shower.  It was then I started to beat myself up over not being all together committed this morning, instead I was being almost and as a result ruining my goal to bring more holiness into our mornings.

It was then the thought came that being all together commited didn't mean I had to be perfect, because lets face it being perfect is impossible (which is something my perfectionist/all or nothing self has a very hard time understanding)  Instead being fully committed is an attitude and a desire to do our best, to try everyday to live as our Savior did, but also to know we won't be perfect.  This is why we have the Atonement, to make up for everything we lack. 

There are going to be mornings when my alarm is not set, nights when my daughter wakes me up at 3am for no reason, and dogs who bark for a good 20 minutes keeping me awake after I have my daughter settled back in bed.  Through all this I can remain fully committed by striving to have an attitude of paitence and love and not one of screaming and yelling because I over slept and we might be late.

This morning Rob  read scriptures while I listened and put my makeup on (we were even reading about taking the name of Christ upon us), the kids had cold cereal instead of oatmeal, the dishes where not done when we left the house, and Samantha was 5 minutes late for choir practice.  But I did notice the spirit was present all morning. There were not any tears shed and no frustrated mom making her appearance.

It wasn't a perfect morning, but I was able to remain all together committed to making sure there was more holiness and lots of love this morning as we rushed out the door.