Friday, November 18, 2011

I feel like I have been doing a lot of whining lately, along with trying to give myself pep talks, and also being really mad at myself for not being "OK" and "Happy" despite everything I feel is wrong right now.  It is easy to say I should choose to be "happy" despite our circumstance, it is another thing to actually be happy, and being happy takes some work.

I have good days and I have crummy days, and yesterday was a crummy day.  I did manage to pull myself out of it after I spent 2 1/2 hours folding shirts and helping to hand them out for the wrestling club Hunter is in.  Not the normal thing to cheer someone up, but I love being able to help, even if it means folding shirts.

I came home and told Rob how much I hate feeling this way and I want to be better.  He is amazing and didn't tell me I just need to decide to be happy, instead he pointed out how I have gotten better.  He reminded me when I used to feel this way I would be mad at everyone around me, be very short with them, and then I would end up in tears telling myself I was the most horrible person, wife, and mom around.

Now I am better to recognize when these feelings are starting, my patience has improved, and I do try really hard to change how I feel.  Part of helping to fight off these moods is sitting down and counting my blessings and being consistent with saying my prayers and asking for strength to battle the moods.

I sometimes expect myself to change over night, but I should know it takes time for weaknesses to become strengths.  Yes I can decide I want to be happy but it is only the first of many steps to actually getting there.

1 comment:

  1. Loved this. It is so easy for me to feel like -- to be a worthwhile person -- I should only feel patient and calm and happy. I get really bad PMS. Which, of course, just sounds like a silly joke, but it isn't. It was never bad before, but the past five years it seems to keep getting worse. When it hits I feel so frustrated and annoyed and am so short tempered, etc. But I love what you said here. It reminded me that battling different emotions and feelings is part of life -- that I'm not less simply because I don't feel pure sweetness every second, but, that I can also improve in those moments and struggle to be patient, etc when it's hardest. Thanks.