I have not had an easy week, I have been trying to sort through all that we are doing, trying to figure out if what we are doing is the right choice. I have dreams, but how do they fit in with my real life, my family, my responsibilities? How do people make their dreams become a reality, and how do you not get caught up comparing the progress of your dreams to the Instagram world?
And the answer is you change your thinking, but so help me if this is suggested one more time by my sweet husband it won't end well. I think he has realized that after I got really mad at him and he tricked me into picking him up when he really didn't need it just to make sure we were ok.
Patience has never been my strong suit, things always work out, but it is this middle ground I am no good at navigating. The constant second guessing if I am on the right path, and wondering why some feelings are so strong when they are not anything I ever would have thought I wanted.
Right now it is the homestead. We have a beautiful acre, a gorgeous gardening spot, fruit trees going in, we are off to a great start. I want so badly to grow most of my own food, but I can't keep anything alive. The other day we had to play "find the smell" in the fridge and it ended up being a crock of sourdough starter that I forgot about, killed, and then left it to rot. It really wasn't pretty.
I want to buy the acre behind me, build a beautiful barn perfect for entertaining, maybe have a cow, pig, more fruit trees....The dream is grand and I don't know if I can do it, but it won't go away and so I think I need to chase it, but I am scared. Scared of failure, scared of it becoming another unfinished project, scared of the commitment and work it will require. Scared of the money it will cost, and will it live up to the dream in my head?
I am in the process of making a plan. This year we will build my strawberry boxes and get those planted with the fruit trees so they can get a jump on their two years before they produce any fruit. I will resurrect my poor raspberry bushes, maybe I can get some blackberries to live, and then I will plant what I need to make spaghetti sauce and tomato sauce this fall. I will start small and see if I can make it through without letting any of the food go to waste, and not neglect or kill them.
It is a lofty goal, but it is a start.
I also promised myself, and Rob, that I would pick up my camera more, it makes me happy. So today I listened to the little prompting as I was talking to Hannah about her day. The light was perfect, and she looked so cute all dressed up from nerd day at school.
I walked outside to catch the tree surrounded by snow, I have been wanting to do a 4 season project for my wall for a while and figured today was a great winter day to get started. I was heading back in when I saw Bubba coming up from the side of the house shovel and sled in hand. He spent the majority of the day and evening out in the front yard making a fort out of the giant piles of snow.
I sure love these cute kids of mine and despite everything I hope they can look back and remember a very happy childhood.