Control, Or The Lack There Of

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

My girls have been fighting a lot lately, it is driving me crazy, I swear they can not be near each other without one of them being mean to the other. I finally had enough and decided it would be a great idea to make them share a room until they can learn to love each other.

I came home from work and immediately started pulling apart the day bed in Hannah's room. It is falling apart and needed to be taken out so this was a great excuse to get it done. I had made room for both twin mattresses on the floor and it was all ready for when they got home from school.

I told them what was going to happen and Hannah started cheering while Samantha cried.

How is that a fair punishment, I thought, when one of them is being rewarded?!?!?!

So I scratched that idea and instead gave them chores they would have to do together, with a clear understanding that every time they were fighting with each other they would be given more chores to do together.

In the last 5 minutes I have added baseboards onto the doors they are already scrubbing.

I am frustrated, life feels like it is spinning out of control and I am helpless to stop it. Every move I make feels wrong and I don't know which direction I am supposed to go next. I am stumbling around blindly all day trying to regain some of our normal and it is a feeling I do not like.

Three weeks ago life was great, we were making plans for the summer, we were going to pay off the last of our debt, start saving money, build our food storage, and start working on the back yard. It was like a huge weight was being lifted off of our shoulders, we were finally to our goal....

And then in an instant life changes and everything we have been working towards is unreachable again.

I think that is why I feel so helpless and lost lately, and sometimes angry. And every time I get angry I stop and wonder who exactly I am angry at. I am not angry at us, we have done the best we could, and I am certainly not angry with Heavenly Father. How coule I be mad at him when I know that he has been watching over and blessing our little family all through these very scary last few weeks? How do I be angry when I know he has a plan for us, and valuable lessons to learn if we just have faith?

So maybe I am not so much angry as I am scared because our path is not clear and it feels hard to keep moving forward uncertain of what lies ahead.

I don't think I ever realized how much of a control freak I was until I couldn't control anything.

My Mom said I need to learn to take things one day at a time, but I love to set goals, I love to plan, I love to be in charge of my life and my future. I keep looking at the goals I set for my birthday and part of me wants to rip the paper to shreds while the other part tells me to keep trying and not give up.

Thankfully I am stubborn enough to not give up on those goals, and hopefully wise enough to know even if it doesn't happen in the next year, they will eventually happen.

I have always had a plan for our future, and the thought of not having a plan is scary, but I am stepping onto an unknown path and submitting myself and my family to the plan that Heavenly Father has for our future with as much faith as I have.

I only hope it is enough.

1 comment:

  1. Oh I'm so sorry! I think so many of us know that feeling so so well. And yet, I still don't know the answers or comfort for anyone else beyond -- keep swimming, you're a great mom and so much of what we came here to learn I imagine is less about the progress further ahead on any roads as it is about whatever we learn in the midst of all the craziness. I love what Elder Maxwell said about how we can have clear faith in the end (like the faith you affirmed towards God), but still find "vexing uncertainties" in getting there simply because we don't get to see the big picture yet. We have to function, as he called it, in the "muddled mortal middle". I liked hearing even an apostle say that I was ok having uncertainties and worries even if I do have faith in Heavenly Farher's bigger plan for me. Anyway, love to you! Life can be so dang tricky! Haha! Really though! Still, I am sure you have loved ones from the other side who have been here and felt all of this, cheering you on and telling you that you are doing more amazingly than you realize.