When I graduated from High School in May of 2000 I had a clear vision of the path ahead of me. I was going to college and would eventually become very important in the world of business. I would have a fancy car, a corner office with a view, and a beautiful home.
In the summer of 2002 I found myself pregnant and very scared. Being a Mother was not on the path I had laid out for myself, the thought terrified me, and I didn't think I would ever be good at it.
I knew in that moment I had stepped off of the path I had laid out for myself and onto a very foreign one.
For the last 10 years I have felt lost and unsure of where this current path was taking me.
When things were hard I would get frustrated and think back to every decision I have made since leaving High School. Maybe if I had done X, Y, or Z differently this wouldn't be happening, maybe things would be better.
I have really struggled since moving back to Utah. When we moved here I figured things could only get better. But for every step we took towards our goals I felt like we took 3 steps backward.
I began to feel even more frustrated and lost. If only I could figure out exactly what I was doing wrong, maybe then things would get better and we could finally reach our goals.
During General Conference I realized I was afraid to put my faith in the path the Lord had for me. I was afraid to trust that he wanted what was best for me, and honestly afraid something horrible would happen, or that the dreams I had were not really what he wanted for me.
Once I knew for certain this is one of the things holding me back I was determined to change it, to figure out how to let go of the fear and instead build my faith and put my trust in him.
Sunday I was sitting in Church, it had not been an easy morning, part of me wanted to go back home and curl up in my bed and cry. I was trying really hard to fight the urge and pay attention so I pulled out my journal to take notes of what the speakers were saying.
The very last speaker said something that really hit me:
"Often people who leave the church say the reason was because the church didn't allow them to be who they wanted to be, but really shouldn't we be asking, 'who does the Lord want me to become?'."
I wrote down in my journal to go home and try to find out: "Who does the Lord want me to be?"
Suddenly I could see clearly the path he had me on, I knew without a doubt that every thing in my past had led me here for a reason, I needed to let got of past mistakes and learn from them.
I also knew without a doubt that he loved me and really did want what's best for me.
These challenges are here to help me learn and become a better person. They were not because I had done anything wrong, but because I needed to learn these lessons to achieve all those dreams I had for myself, my family, and our future.
I am a very different person from the girl just graduating from high school and starting out on my path in life. I am a much better person, and those talents I planned on developing to take me down my original path could still be developed and be very useful on the path I am on now.
In fact those talents were just what my family needs right now to turn things around and make us successful.
It has been an amazing week of clarity, looking at things from a different vantage, and seeing solutions to problems I couldn't solve before.
I am so grateful for this blessing, I don't think words will ever properly describe how I have felt. I am excited for the journey ahead of us, and I find myself seeing my family and our situation in an entirely different light.
Loved this thoughtful post. It certainly is scary to stop and ask what the Lord wants and sort of turn ourselves over to him -- over to his path and the experiences and growth it will give us. I remember complaining in college once to my mom about paths not leading where I wanted and even not getting definite answers on where exactly to head. She said something that really struck me -- it was this "Nancy, if he told you exactly where he wanted you -- 'I need you here, at point D' then you might head in a straight line there, missing everything he wants you to learn along the way at points B and C." I liked that. And I liked this post. It is good for me to remember that He is trying to mold us not only into who he wants us to be, but also who we wanted, fiercely, to become ourselves when we chose to come here. He must shake his head at us sometimes when we kick against all the pathways and experiences he puts in front of us when they are the very ones we may have hoped for before coming -- knowing they would change us into who we needed to become. Thanks for the reminder. Sorry for rambling.ReplyDelete
Found you on MMB, thanks for sharing your story, and so glad to hear you felt uplifted during the conference. I think we should speak more about the ups and downs sometimes, so that people can know we are not perfect in the church. We are Southern Mormons, and are attacked quite frequently. We hold our heads high, but we are definitely not perfect. My husband and I both spent time away from the church when we were in our early twenties. I understand I guess is what I am trying to say. Hang on to what uplifts you and your testimony will grow! You are on the right path!!!ReplyDelete